Attachment & Sleep Training
A Commonly Asked Question
One of the biggest reasons why parents are hesitant about sleep training, by far, is their concern about the attachment they have with their children. They ask “won’t sleep training negatively affect the attachment my child has to me?” My answer is always “Sleep training does not negatively affect secure attachments between parents and children.” I am always very interested in why parents feel this is the case.
I have come to the conclusion that there is an insane number of mixed messages out there regarding sleep training, secure attachments, and parenting styles, and this is causing parents a great deal of confusion and hesitancy. So, my goal for this blog is to define key terms that many experts use, explain how they relate to one another, and also present some evidence that has come out in recent years that provides some interesting results about sleep training and its effects on the child/parent attachment.
Identifying and Defining the Key Terms
Over the last several years, there has been quite an uproar about sleeping training, and a lot of terms used in the child and family services industry have been used out of context and even falsely associated which has led to quite a bit of confusion for parents. So, let’s lay the foundation of what you need to know to make your own determination about attachment and sleep training.
To start, let’s discuss “attachment,” more specifically “secure attachment.” According to attachment theory, there are three conditions that must be met to make an attachment “secure”. These are…
The attachment provides a sense of safety and security.
The attachment regulates emotions by soothing distress, creating joy, and supporting calm.
The attachment offers a secure base from which to explore.
When a child has a secure attachment with their parent they display more independence, more emotional regulation/stress coping skills, higher self-esteem, and a higher ability to develop trusting, close, positive relationships with friends, family, and future romantic partners. Essentially, what is important to remember about a secure attachment is that it occurs when parents respond to their baby’s needs consistently, and the baby is able to develop confidence that their parents will meet their needs.
In recent years, the terms “secure attachment” and “attachment” have somewhat been hijacked by a parenting movement that associates parenting style with attachment theory and attachment outcomes. This movement is, of course, the attachment parenting philosophy movement. Now, it is important to understand that the attachment parenting philosophy is separate from attachment theory. These two subjects are often thought to be related, and they can be, however not in the way that many people believe they are.
Attachment Parenting Philosophy
I’d like to touch on the attachment parenting philosophy and give you an idea of what attachment parenting looks like. Attachment parenting uses methods of parenting that involve maximal parental empathy and responsiveness, and also continuous bodily closeness and touch. Often those that promote attachment parenting believe that any less empathy or responsiveness will lead to the destruction of secure attachments. They even advise that sleep training an infant or toddler goes against attachment parenting principles and their belief is that sleep training will ruin the child/parent attachment.
This is the point where many parents become confused and misunderstand how sleep training is related to attachment. Attachment parenting is a lifestyle and a specific set of practices. While attachment parenting can absolutely lead to a secure attachment, following these principles and practices is not the only way. In fact, attachment parenting has not been proven to always lead to a secure attachment. It can even become overly responsive and permissive, and the “tight” connections can also lead to an anxious attachment. Understanding how these two concepts are separate from one another is extremely important because the belief that these two go hand in hand can cause a lot of unnecessary confusion, guilt, and stress.
Parenting Style
On my intake forms for clients, I always ask the question “What is your parenting style?” Many parents respond that they use an attachment style of parenting. I assume they say this based on the above confusion because most families I work with don’t really follow the principles of the attachment parenting philosophy. However, they are high in sensitivity and responsiveness with their child and they also tend to be authoritative in their demand towards the child. Authoritative. That is the parenting style that tends to be the most desired for beneficial outcomes. Authoritative parenting is described as being nurturing, responsive, accepting, is able to set consistent boundaries and expectations, and having open communication and logical discipline. It is not permissive, overly nurturing, or indulgent, nor does it have inconsistent boundaries and expectations.
I want to pull a key phrase from the description of authoritative parenting- consistent boundaries and expectations. In sleep training, this is essential to success. We must establish boundaries and expectations with our children, especially when it comes to sleep. This does not make us avoidant parents, it does not make us uninvolved parents, nor does it make us neglectful parents. It makes us authoritative parents which has been shown to be associated with positive outcomes such as higher academic performance, higher self-esteem, better social skills, less mental illness, and lower delinquency. These also just happen to be factors that are associated with quality sleep in children! Interesting!
Crying and Attachment
So, you are probably asking yourself “Well, if my baby is crying and I am unresponsive because we are sleep training, won’t that hurt them?” The short answer is, no. Crying during sleep training happens because change is happening. It is not happening because your baby is in pain, it is simply because crying is their only way for them to express distaste with the change. I like to correlate sleep training and crying to adults trying to get back into shape. We go to the gym or we go out for a run knowing we should and it is healthy for us, but we may grunt, groan, or even cry to express our distaste for it. While sleep training, you would still be meeting all of your baby’s needs, and that is important to remember.
There is often a lot of concern about sleep training and associated crying having adverse effects on the child/parent attachment. This seems to be the argument that many attachment parenting philosophy followers tend to make. However, there was a recent study that was conducted to investigate those potential effects. The researchers found that occasionally or often leaving infants to cry-it-out was not associated with adverse behavioral development or attachment at as late as 18-months-old. If you want to read more on this study you can find it here. There was also a 5-year follow-up study completed (separate study) that you can read about here.
All in All, Sleep Training Does Not Harm
This was a lot of information, and I know your eyes are probably crossing from it! However, I feel it is so important that when we talk about sleep training and attachment, we are very clear about identifying and defining the terms in which we choose to use. Otherwise, terms get hijacked, as you can see, and this creates so much confusion and guilt for so many families, mothers especially. All in all, if you gather anything from this blog, please understand that sleep training your child or baby will not harm the attachment that you have with them. If anything, by establishing consistent boundaries and expectations combined with increased quality sleep, you will see quite a few positive associated outcomes.
Please, don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions about attachment as it pertains to sleep training. Parenting is hard enough and when there is so much overwhelming and contradictory information out there, it makes it unbearable some days. But that is why I am here! So, let’s get your little one on the pathway to positive outcomes. Let’s get your little one dreaming!
With Love,
