Navigating Other’s Opinions on Your Decision to Sleep Train
This will probably be one of my longest blogs out there but stick with it. There is a purpose behind every word and I didn’t want this to just be a simple informational blog, but rather a journey that includes the why behind what I do.
So, here it goes.
My Story
There I sat in my bed with my 6-month-old son attached to my breast, asleep mind you, and my husband sawing logs next to me. It was 4 something in the morning and my son had been awake every 45 minutes all night long. This had been our norm for quite some time.
When he slept, my son was next to my bed in a rocker (I knew very little about safe sleep and appropriate sleep surfaces back then). Every time I would hear him whimper in the night I would immediately get him up and assume he was hungry. So, I’d sit up, latch him on and grab my phone. I was terrified to fall asleep with him in my arms because co-sleeping was never an option for us. My husband and I knew we moved around entirely too much for our children to safely sleep with us. So, I’d scroll Facebook for hours at night trying to stay awake while my son nursed himself back to sleep. Then, I would gently place him back in the rocker and slide into my bed hoping to not wake him up. The problem was, I wasn’t able to go right back to sleep so quickly. Eventually, I would fall asleep and within 20 minutes my son would be crying out again.
This went on for months. I was trying to take the classic advice of “sleep when the baby sleeps” but I was not able to. My daughter was 4 years old at the time and required much of my attention during the day. At night I was either so overtired that I was wired, or I was exhausted and unable to fall asleep due to the lumber yard I was sleeping next to. Ok, maybe my husband wasn’t that bad, but at the time I sure thought he was. Needless to say, I was beyond exhausted.
Everyone Else’s Thoughts Didn’t Help
It is always interesting to hear other people’s responses to moms saying how tired they are. The responses range from “I remember those days, hang in there” to “Oh you’ll miss it when they grow up, so enjoy being tired.” But the thing is, at least for me, it wasn’t just being tired that was the issue. The absolute sleep deprivation had caused so many more issues for me. My anxiety was at an all-time high, depression was setting in, I was always looking to pick a fight with my husband, and I was unable to concentrate on any task that was in front of me. I began to resent that bundle of chunky love that would wake me up every 45 minutes at night.
You read that right. I was feeling resentful of my own child. Let that sink in for a second. I was a mom who loved her children more than life itself, but when my son would wake up at night, I’d resent him. I felt horrible. Something had to give.
Some Support From Those Who Understood
I went to a MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) meeting one day. I was sitting at a table with a few other moms who seemed to be going through generally the same season of life. I mentioned my exhaustion and how I just needed some sleep, not offering up the full package of “oh hey I’m a ball of anxiety and depression, want to be my friend?” Another mom could truly feel my pain, and I knew it by looking in her eyes. She had been in the same place I was. She asked if I had heard of this lady online who did sleep consulting. I clearly had not. So, she recommended that I look into working with her. I saved the information on my phone intending to check it out later.
I must have been a glutton for punishment because I looked the sleep consultant up but didn’t even consider actually working with her. I was hesitant to try to do this sleep training thing with my son because when I brought it up to another friend (who is an incredible mom) she was very apprehensive about supporting it. She wasn’t trying to be mean about it, but she was adamant that I was a good mom and was doing everything right for my son. She didn’t feel that I needed another person telling me how to get my baby to sleep. In her opinion, he’d eventually figure it out. Looking back, I don’t think she understood how bad things were for me.
The Turning Point
Eventually, I broke. My husband was away for work and my son had kept me up nearly 3 nights in a row. I was catching myself falling asleep at the wheel driving home from picking up my daughter from school. When my husband called me that night, I cried on the phone with him. I begged him to just let me try this sleep training thing with this sleep consultant. I explained how desperate I was and how scared I was because I was truly at the end of my rope. He, of course, agreed that I needed to do something and agreed that sleep training was the right next step for us.
Everything Changed
The rest is history. My son now sleeps 12 hours at night and 1-3 hours during the day. He’s an amazing sleeper and does extremely well when schedules get shifted or when we are traveling. I am so glad that I made the choice I did, but more importantly, I want to help other mamas get out of that dark space when they are ready.
I Was Where You Are
So, why did I just ramble on about my story and what led me to sleep train my son with the help of a sleep consultant? Well, I feel like you can probably relate to my story because it is very similar to your own. You’re exhausted. Your lack of sleep is affecting everything in your life and you may be at the end of your rope. And chances are, if you are on my website reading this, you are probably considering sleep training your child. And chances are if you are considering sleep training your child, the blog titled “Navigating Other’s Opinions of Your Decision to Sleep Train” caught your attention for a reason.
Here’s the thing, more than likely you have come across an influencer or someone in your life that has some negative feelings and opinions about sleep training and sleep consultants. Right? You have probably been given the speech that you are your baby’s mom (or dad) and know exactly what to do, the baby will eventually figure sleep out, and you should just keep responding to your baby every 45 minutes. You may even follow some influencers who post time-lapse videos of themselves pacing back and forth for hours holding their babies while they sleep. They all say “If I can do it, so can you!” Well, I am here to tell you that is not how this works.
You Know What is Best
You are your baby’s mom (or dad), and you do know what is best for your baby, but you also know what is best for you! If you are at a place where you WANT to make a change (or NEED to make a change) and you feel that sleep training will help you make that change, then do the sleep training. If you have people come to you with their opinions about sleep training, do not feel the need to explain yourself or make justifications. Respond politely with statements that show you understand they have their opinion, but you are making the best choice for your family.
Some people may bring more fear and anxiety into the situation. They may tell you that sleep training does not make your baby sleep more, or they may say that sleep training will destroy your attachment with your baby. Neither of these statements is true and neither of these statements can be backed up with scientific evidence, studies, or research. In fact, the opposite is true.
If They Are Preying on Your Feelings…
While researching this topic, I found that many influencers and bloggers who are anti-sleep training tend to pull at your heartstrings and make their points by creating emotion in their audiences. Very few provide actual research or evidence to support their claims. Those that do provide research tend to be using said research with quite a stretch. For example, using research about the effects of severe parental neglect to show sleep training destroys parental-child attachments. The problem is that sleep training is not neglect. The bright side is many studies prove sleep training, even going as far as using cry-it-out, is actually beneficial not only for the baby involved, but it is also beneficial to the baby’s mother (find this study here). There are many more scientific studies that support the use of sleep training methods and prove their many benefits.
Bottom Line
Bottom line on the bottom, you are the best person to make decisions for your family and your baby. Like me, you are the only one who truly understands the full effect that sleep deprivation is having on you. No one else will totally understand it! So, if you want to sleep train your baby, do it! If you aren’t quite ready or you just don’t want to, then don’t do it!
If someone approaches you for justification for your decision, tell them that you are making the best decision for you, your baby, and your family. You truly do not owe anyone an explanation for your decisions on how to parent your own child. But if you feel you need to, then use the evidence linked above to show the positive outcomes, and ask the naysayer for evidence to support their claims. Once you do that, you will see that more people will support you in your decision, or at least keep their opinions to themselves.
I hope if you have stuck with this novel of a blog this long, you have gotten some confidence out of it, and at minimum, you’ve realized you know yourself and your baby well enough to make the best decisions for you. If you have more questions about how to handle talking to other people about your decision to sleep train, feel free to contact me via my “Contact Tracy” page here on my website or through social media. I am happy to talk with you about navigating those conversations. Until then…
With Love,
