Separation Anxiety
How to Navigate and Improve
Introduction
You finally feel like you are getting the hang of this parenting thing and out of nowhere, your baby starts to panic just about every time you leave them. You can’t go to the bathroom, the gym, the kitchen to grab some coffee, let alone leave them to go to sleep! Clearly, they are experiencing some separation anxiety. So, how do you fix it? How can you work through it? How do you help them and not lose your sanity? Let’s dive right in!
When Does it Start/Occur?
Separation anxiety tends to come on unexpectedly. Your baby was once happy and generally comfortable with anyone you seemed to be happy and comfortable with. Now, they are not comfortable with Grandma, the babysitter, the cashier at the store, or even your partner! This kind of behavior starts when your baby is between 4 and 5 months old and increases to a “peak” at around 9 or 10 months old. During this time you will notice that they are more sensitive to separation when they are hungry, tired, or sick.
Unfortunately, these early months are not the only time your little one is going to experience separation anxiety. When they are around 15 to 18 months old, you will see another “peak” in separation anxiety, and again in the preschool age years. They will exhibit loud and tearful behaviors and they are learning that they can provoke a response from you by doing so.
Why is it Happening?
First and foremost, when your child starts to exhibit signs of separation anxiety you should remember it is a completely normal part of their development and it is considered by some child development professionals to be a sign of a secure attachment between parent and child. That should make you feel great and you should take it as a compliment.
But what is the science behind the reason separation anxiety becomes a thing? Well, at around 4 months old your baby starts to understand object permanence. They know that even though they can’t see Mom, Mom still exists. They know that even though they don’t see Dad, Dad still exists. Unfortunately, at this age they have no understanding of time nor do they understand that Mom and Dad will return. So, for them, Mom or Dad was just right there, now they are not right there, and they have no idea if or when Mom or Dad will return. So, when they see Mom or Dad start to separate from them, they start to panic and experience anxiety.
How Can You Work Through it?
One of my biggest pet peeves as a parent, and as a person in general, is hearing “oh that’s totally normal” with zerofollow-up. If something is normal, does that mean I have to just suck it up and accept it? Does that mean there is no way I can prevent it? Does that mean I can’t make it easier to manage?
This might be something you are thinking when it comes to separation anxiety, and the good news is just because it is normal doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do. Here are a few ways you can help to establish feelings of security in your child before they have to tap into them and how you can help your child manage the separation anxiety in those difficult moments that you must leave them.
Establishing Feelings of Security Beforehand
Adhere to a routine and schedule that is fairly consistent and predictable. This predictability will help your child understand that while Mom and Dad do leave, they also come back.
Maintain a parenting style that leaves room for your child to explore their autonomy and make decisions for themselves at appropriate times. If you are more of a helicopter parent this could reinforce clinginess during times that your child is experiencing separation anxiety.
Play games often with your child that help reinforce that you will return. For infants, peek-a-boo is a fantastic way to do this. You can just use your hands to hide your face in the early months, and as your baby gets older you can step out of the room or on the other side of a wall, then reappear a few moments later. For toddlers, playing hide and seek is fun but also teaches them that even if they can’t see you, you are near. Just be sure you don’t fall asleep for an hour in your hiding spot.
Give your baby or toddler the ability to explore new rooms of your home without you being right next to them. Of course, be sure you are still watching from afar to maintain their safety, but you can stay within a reasonable distance and still allow them space to foster a feeling of independence.
Practice leaving your baby with trusted friends and family for short periods of time. You can do this at a get-together, church, a playdate, or anytime really! For example, leave them with a friend or family member while you take a quick trip to the restroom or to grab a snack or drink. Perhaps you and your partner want to just take a quick walk around the block. These are great lengths of time to leave your little one with a trusted friend or family member to foster feelings of security without your presence.
Managing Anxiety in the Moment
Before leaving your little one, think about a quick goodbye ritual that you can follow. When you are saying your goodbyes, follow that ritual to a “T” every single time. This is part of the consistent and predictable routine and schedule but is also important for establishing the end of your presence with your child. However, you also want to avoid creating any unsustainable habits within this routine. So, if you can’t manage to do a certain part of the routine every single time, opt-out and choose something more sustainable.
Don’t sneak away. Many times, parents will sit in the room with their child and let them get comfortable before they sneak away. However, once their little one realizes they are gone, it is often extremely difficult for them.
During your quick goodbye ritual where you are not sneaking away from your child, you want to be sure you are giving your child your undivided attention. Avoid being on the phone or being distracted while saying your goodbyes. Your child should feel that you are intentional with your time with them, even when saying goodbye.
Be aware of the emotions you are expressing during your goodbye ritual. If you are crying or upset, then of course your child is going to feed off that energy and be upset with you. Express confidence and calmness (even if that’s not what you are feeling) and your child will feed off that good energy and feel more confident and calmer. So, just avoid the emotional lingering, you’ll both be better off without it.
Come back when you say you will. Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, you should be able to do this. Also, tell them when you’ll be back in terms they’ll understand. For example, “I’ll be back shortly after you wake up from your afternoon nap”. Remember, they don’t understand time, but they do understand routine (at least most toddlers do).
Separation Anxiety and Sleep
Here are a few ways you can manage separation anxiety and help to calm your child during bedtime and nap time.
Maintain a regular and consistent sleep schedule and routine. This includes regular nap times and routines, and regular bedtimes and routines. Again, routines fall under that umbrella of predictability which helps in establishing feelings of security.
Stay calm and relaxed during the routines leading up to sleep time. If you are rushing or distracted, your little one will not feel that your time with them is intentional and they may end up feeling less secure with being left.
Provide comfort and support with the sleep process, but as you would when leaving your child at daycare or with a family member, avoid emotional lingering. If you are putting your little one down to sleep and you are upset and crying, they will feed off that energy and hate the idea of being left alone, even to sleep. So, again, exude confidence and a calm demeanor.
For those little ones who are over 1-year-old, have them connect with a security blanket or toy that they will have with them for every sleep time. This will help them feel comforted when you are not with them.
Avoid getting them to sleep and then sneaking out once they are in dreamland. It is much better for them if they learn independent sleeping skills so that they aren’t shocked when they wake up and you are not there. Some sleep training methods will have you do this, and I do use those. However, as a general rule, you want your little one to feel secure in falling asleep on their own, knowing that when they wake up, they will be able to fall asleep again on their own and you will be there when the time is right to get them.
Wrapping Up
At some point, separation anxiety will be something that we all deal with as parents. However, as mentioned earlier, just because something is common or normal does not mean we have to just sit back and do nothing to make it better. I truly hope that the advice above will help you in managing your little one’s separation anxiety, especially when it comes to sleep! Until next time….
